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29 posts tagged when did you first realize you were
29 posts tagged when did you first realize you were
In response to, “Why can’t we just ignore racial differences already?”
In the 70s when I was in HS, our town had 11 black kids in our three year HS of 2000+. Most of them lived in our neighborhood, along with the Koreans, Jews, and the rest of us Catholics of varying ethnicity, mostly Polish and Irish in that town at that time. The white “Protestants” were definitely the minority in our neighborhood, and in the town generally, and they were looked upon with suspicion by the rest of us. It was the 70s and “The Troubles” in Northern Ireland were in full swing.
When I was right out of HS, a very baby-faced 18 year old (think Jimmy Baio, Scott Baio’s pudgier younger brother) and was working in the factories and later as a security guard was when I first ran into “real” black guys, guys who had grown up in neighborhoods that were all black, where they weren’t the “other”. I got to be really good friends with this guy Bill I worked with as a security guard on the swing shift, we’d cheat playing crazy 8’s with each other, tell stories, bullshit, he was goofy, we had a good time. He was older, in his early 20s, just out of the navy. He kept talking how he was gonna get me a job with him in his cousin’s bakery that paid real money, $10 an hour, we were gonna go hang out at his bar, we were gonna do a lot of things that we never did. Because one night, I’m giving him a ride home, and you know, the polite thing is to invite someone in for coffee or whatever but he gets real embarrassed and goes “yeah, um. I’d invite you in but… my family… you know… “ I was kind of too stupid at the time to say anything, so he goes on “well, you’re WHITE. It wouldn’t be safe for you, in this neighborhood.” That’s the first time it really sank in for me, how serious this race shit was. That he was worried I’d get assaulted, worried he’d get physically harmed, just for being seen with me. A white guy.
People suck.
In response to, “When did you first realize you were _____?”
I was 16, at my grandmother’s funeral. All these people that all looked alike were talking French, a language I didn’t understand. Me and my father were the only people there that didn’t speak the language; he was the only blond person in the bunch. The rainbow coalition of older sibs were all grown and out of the house, so it was just me and my father, and I inherited my mother’s dark mediterranean looks. It was surreal. I stood there in this sea of relatives, in a community I’d never been part of, and my whole sense of self just melted. All I could do was stand there and think “holy fuck, am I part of some … ‘minority’?!”
I’m in Texas now, and I explain to my Hispanic friends, it’s like finding out as a Junior in HIGH SCHOOL that you’re Mexican.
In response to, “When did you first realize you were black?”
The day that I first realized I was black was my senior year of high school. At the time I lived and went to school in Vallejo, CA. Vallejo was the home of notable rappers E-40 and Mac Dre. It was also the home of Nascar driver Jeff Gordon…. but I digress.
Anywho, back to my realization. During my senior year, I took AP English. I believe the second book in that class we read was “Invisible Man”. Like many white English teachers, our teacher had an odd fascination with the book. He believed that everything had meaning in that book of great significance.
We were spending a class period discussing our required readings of the book thus far. Most students of the class were hinting at why the title of the book was as it was. Our teacher was focused on a random unanswered conversation the main character had with a person not right of mind. All I remember is the character had said “Iz you got the dog?”. Our teacher went into a long explanation as to how he didn’t understand what was meant by that phrase. He then asked “I wonder if maybe, one of our African American students could enlighten us on this conversation?”
It was then that I realized that there were only three black people in the class that day. Myself being the darkest. The teacher turned and stared at me, in hoping that I was Negradamus or something. Our class clown, not black, followed the teacher’s eyes to me with a wide smile. I wasn’t smiling.
Ever watch The Boondocks? You know the episode with the old blind jackass? I was so close to having one of those moments, but I’ll still consider it the same. I was so close to being the typical angry negro. Sure, maybe if the book came out 8 years ago, I might have taken the opportunity to be the informant to white people, but I was unprepared, overwhelmed. My first real moment of having to do something as a black boy was daunting and so stupid that it took my entire being up to that point from snapping completely.
I may have restrained my voice, but I’m sure I wasn’t able to restrain the immediate anger from my face. After the class clown focused on me and saw my face, his smile went away and turned around. I’m sure the entire class was looking at me, but after the clown turned around, I only focused on the teacher. It was dead silent for a good 15 seconds before the teacher composed himself and went on with the class. I’m pretty sure I was the only person in the class that year that directly said “F*** You” to the teacher without uttering a single word.
After class, one of my closer friends came to me and said: “I never thought I’d see the day that you’d turn black.”. It was then that I knew that I was black. I was the Angry Mute Negro.
In response to “When did you first realize you were black?”
My parents are the type that believe in education above all else, and it was with this belief in mind that they stuck me in private school since the age of three. As everyone knows private school (with a few not-so-positive exceptions) essentially means white school. I was always The Black Friend, though I didn’t necessarily think of myself as such in the beginning: I saw myself as a friend, and in my youngest years considered myself and my white friend Anna as one and the same. We were both smart, and liked to read, and were just crossing the line from cute to chubby. Nevermind that she had pink skin and long blond hair; I honestly saw no difference.
I barely remember Anna now, but one scene from my earliest years prevents me from forgetting her entirely. She holds the honorable position as the first person to ever use my blackness against me.
There was a group of us, three whites one asian, and me, who sometimes played together. Because we were little girls, and princesses were practically a requirement of our childhood, we decided by mutual decision to play disney princesses.
My favorite princess has always always been Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I had memories (the important lasting kind) of me and my favorite cousin watching it over and over again over multiple bowls of popcorn and sparing sips of orange pop. In addition Belle liked to read, and I liked to read, so obviously we were something of kindred spirits.
This was the argument I presented Anna with when she challenged my desire to be Belle in our game. In return she told me that she liked to read too; plus she looked more like Belle. To which I pointed out that she had blond hair and Belle was a brunette. I suggested she be Cinderella.
And then a moment I will never forget: she grabbed my hand and jabbed her finger repeatably into my skin, and speaking slowly said, “I’m a lot closer than you.” I now realize that as much as I saw myself as the same as Anna, that would never be how she saw me (a truth that me and my fellow prep-school-blacks remind each other of constantly in our respective roles as The Black Friend: never forget what you are, because they certainly won’t). At this the other white girls nodded vigorously, seeing the logic.
This was before the lovely Tiana of the Princess and the Frog, and there were no black Disney princesses to be found. So it was decided that I would be Pocahontas. Ignoring the fact that she was native american, not in any way affiliated with Africa, it was wrong, and I felt for the first time the pressure of an unfairness that I have felt—and will continue to feel— throughout my life.
Faced with this unfairness I was tempted to scream, and if I’d been a little more temperamental, or a little less shy, I might have. Instead I stormed off and (in an action that would be reproduced constantly in my career as a Black Person) went to the only other black girl in the class, and proceeded to tell her what rude thing my crazy white friends had just done.
In response to “When Did You First Realize You Were Black?” and several other questions, check out Trevor’s story:
On multiple occasions, I’ve had friends and even complete strangers tell me that I should write something that somehow chronicled the events of my life. “But why?” I would ask them, “Why would anyone want to read about the trials and tribulations of a socially inept black kid from the suburbs with a comically multicultural family straight out of a shitty 90s sitcom. A kid whose life was a constant struggle just to fit in anywhere with failed and usually comedic results?” Nevermind.
I feel as though I should brief you on my background seeing as you probably have no idea who the hell I am. My name is Trevor Henry Ziegler. Pretty typical name for a black male, right? It wasn’t until about 10th grade that I realized maybe my name didn’t quite fit my physical appearance. Up until that point, however, I didn’t think anything of it. I was just regular Trevor Ziegler, in my own eyes. I saw nothing different about a black kid named Trevor with a German last name.
And don’t get me wrong I’m not ashamed of my name. Not even in the least. I just think my name alone placed this giant label on myself that read: THIS KID IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT. And for good reason, my name alone has garnered more puzzled looks than an M. Night Shyamalan movie (just the really shitty ones though).
Adding to my reputation as a walking anti-stereotype, I was a 17-year competitive swimmer and even competed on a Division I team in college for four years. I also worked as a lifeguard for many years throughout high school and college. So basically for the first 22 years of my life I was a living punchline for the “black people can’t swim” joke. Off to a pretty good start, right?
I was adopted pretty much right after birth to two white parents in an affluent Maryland suburb. My sisters, who are both older than I am, were adopted as well. The eldest was adopted at a young age from the Philippines and my other sister was adopted at age four from India when I was about three years old. So right off the bat I was already “the black guy” in my own family. Pretty much a metaphor for my entire fucking life.
I’ll spare you the details of my birth parents, for now. Spoiler Alert: It’ll blow your fucking mind. Well, hopefully. I guess you’ll just have to read on to find out. Suckers.
Anyways, as I mentioned earlier I was born and raised in a suburban city called Columbia, Maryland of about 100,000 residents. Columbia was a planned community established in 1967. The basis of Columbia was that it was designed to be a series of 10 self-contained villages that aimed to eliminate any sort of racial or class segregation. Thus, every village was said to contain lower-income, middle-income, and high-income housing. Fair is fair.
However, the “village” that I lived in was added in the mid-90s and proved to be an exception to the rule. The area in which I grew up in catered to mostly upper-middle income housing and high-income housing and consequently shat in the face of the designer’s dream of getting rid of class segregation. Until I attended high school, the area in which I grew up in was about as diverse as a box of saltines.
Looking back at my life and the conditions I grew up in, it’s hard to comprehend why I thought my life could ever be normal. I should probably clarify what the word “normal” meant to me back then. To me, normal was simply fitting in anywhere. Normal was surrounding myself with a group of peers who knew exactly what I was going through. Normal was that feeling of not being looked-at or judged a certain way because of what I looked like, how I talked, or the things I was into. I so desperately wanted to just be known as “Trevor”. Not Black Trevor, or that black kid, or the black kid that acts really white, or the black kid that swims, or the black kid with white parents. I would have even settled to be another face in the crowd. Anything was better than what I was going through.
To be continued…
In answer to the Day 1 Question “When Did You First Realize You Were Black (or X)?”
When I was about 8 or 9, in the early 70s, I loved the Jackson 5; I built up a whole pre-adolescent fantasy of Michael coming to my backwater town in western Pennsylvania and somehow meeting and falling love with me. My ultimate dream was to be Mrs Michael Jackson. This dream was shattered when my older sister told me in no uncertain terms that I couldn’t marry him because he was black. For some reason, I had no comeback to that. Much later, many other reasons emerged as to why I couldn’t marry Jacko, but none of them shut me up like that first one.
In answer to the Day 1 Question “When Did You First Realize You Were Black (or X)?”
I suddenly learned everything I needed to know about the world when I discovered that I was Black. What can I say? I was an Air Force brat who was born in Long Island, New York, moved promptly to Japan and had maids who lived with us, proceeded to Maine and lived with the “Eskimos” (at that point, no one knew what color we were because we all wore those really thick parkas that covered every inch of our bodies), and then back to Long Island, when I turned 8 years old and I mentioned to my mom what I was going to do when I grew up “and became white”. I think my mom’s head almost popped off of her shoulders, but, after gathering her mental faculties, she asked me why I thought I was going to grow up and be white, and I told her that grandma and grandpa were white. She disagreed, and I suppose she should know, given that they were her parent, but they were as white-looking as the clean white walls in my home. In fact, my parents were lighter than me as are my older brother and sister and all of the elders and ladies in our church in East Hampton New York, so I had just assumed that as you grew up, you became lighter and lighter until you became white. I was so excited that I ran around telling everyone because life suddenly made sense to me. I also realized that I tan easily — I am “dark” in the summer and “light” in the winter. Life is good!
In answer to the Day 1 Question “When Did You First Realize You Were Black (or X)?”
I was a military brat, and we moved to Alabama when I was four. When I was five, my best friend Kim and my “boyfriend” Jamal were both black (I’m so, so white), but I didn’t actually realize that at the time. My mom says she’d get dirty looks sometimes when she’d take us to the park together, but we were blissfully unaware. One day in kindergarten, another white classmate told me that “black people smell bad because they don’t wash.” I remember being stunned at this declaration, and focusing for the first time on our differences. I don’t think I ever told anyone what she said, but I surreptitiously smelled some black and white classmates after that without noticing any particular smell from anybody.
Now that I’m an adult, I’ve seen my world get whiter and whiter over the years, from my workplace, to my friends, to my movies and TV shows. I lament it out loud sometimes, but I’m never really sure what to *do* about it.
A great story about identity and race.
Yes, it’s true. I’m white, 56 years old, and nerdy.
To further establish my whiteness:
Raised in Utah and Wyoming where we had only one black guy in my high school.
His name was Michael Jackson — REALLY.
But I’m writing to tell a different story…
Flash backward to after college, almost 30 years ago…
I’m in my first job as a computer scientist working in Provo Utah (this should further reinforce my white cred).
In a company of software engineers with about 300 employees at the time.
If you threw a rock in the sea of cubicles you would likely hit a Phd, but most assuredly you would hit a nerd.
A new hire moved into the cube next to mine.Wow, he’s black, I thought. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a black person that wasn’t on TV.
I wonder what he does here? He sure looks nerd. white shirt, black plastic glasses (the Clark Kent style), black wingtips…
We introduce ourselves:
me: Hi, I’m Ed.
Steven : I’m Steven
me: I work on WMCS (ed note: WMCS is.a long extinct OS)
Steven: I’m working on the Unix port.
me: Cool! I heard they hired a replacement for the old engineers that left. Welcome.
Steven: Yes, I was doing this same work at Bell Labs before I joined the company.
…(other nerd speak omitted for brevity sake)…
me (thinking to myself): wow, this guy sure isn’t stereotypical, BS. Math, MS CompSci, Cal Berkley, Bell Labs,…
…later that week I overhear the following conversation in Steven’s cube between Steven and the VP of Engineering…
VP: So how’s it going?
Steven : I’m having trouble making tapes on MOFO
VP(disturbed): Did you try a different machine?
Steven : Yes, but they wouldn’t make on BUFU either
VP (looking slightly disturbed responds with “OK” and then leaves)
Ouch! What had I just heard? Did not Steven know that those machine were named using black slang?Those names were given before he joined the company by his predecessors in that job.These names were an inside joke, never to be spoken in public AND certainly not in the presence of “the suits”.
So there I sat in my black/white dilemma:
Do I forget that I overheard that conversation?Do I inform Steven of the true meaning of MOFO and BUFU?How do I inform Steven of the origins of MOFO and BUFU?Who am I to give a black man lessons on black slang anyway?I could claim I didn’t know, no one would ever doubt me.As with most questions of this kind, the answer becomes obvious when you ask the question, “How would I want to be treated if I was [$other_person]”Where [$other_person] = StevenSo I walked into his cube and asked, “Steven, if I had a big piece of food hanging in my beard, would you tell me about it?”After a little thought he responded, “Probably”
me: Do you know what MOFO and BUFU mean?Steven: Nome: MOFO is black slang for “yo mama”Steven:(after a short delay and look of shock turning to anger): Did those guys make up those names as a joke on me?!!me: No, the machines have had those names for years.Steven: Oh, ….. thanks for telling me.So that began a friendship between two nerds and their families….The strange relationship of a white guy from rural Wyoming teaching a black man from LA to be black.Steven, being the nerdy son of a doctor and a lawyer in an upscale LA neighborhood, never learned how to be black.I even took Steven to the gym on occasion to teach him to play basketball.Imagine the stares of everyone watching a 20+ 6’-8” white guy teaching a 20+ 5’-10” black guy how to play basketball.He shared a story about meeting William Shockley once at Bell Labs.William Shockley—Winner of Nobel Prize, Inventor of the Transistor. Yes, that W. Shockley.I asked Steven if he ever challenged Shockley on his racist views?Steven replied, “Yes, I challenged him just by being there, a software engineer, in his presence” — he smiled.I did argue once that there are some family traits that do seem to following families.6’-2” is considered short in my family.Maybe to some degree we might expect certain traits to follow in ethnic races also.“Like I had heard that black weren’t generally good swimmers because they had a lower fat/muscle ratio causing less buoyancy, resulting in more water resistance, leading to poorer swimming results.”He responded with, “That’s a bunch of crap Ed!”I replied, “Ok”Months later our families got together for an outing at the local water park.While at the top of a platform, Steve and I decided to race each other to the bottom of two adjacent water slides.We both started at the same time.I arrived with a huge entry splash at the bottom and then stood waiting for Steven.After several seconds (seemed like minutes) he trickled out of the slide and moved slowly towards me.I asked, “What happened?”He answered, “Blacks don’t float”(actually we later attributed his performance to his jean shorts — not really the best water slide apparel)I probably don’t get the black thing, I probably never will, but the proudest vote I ever cast was for Barack Obama.I still feel this way almost 4 years later and I’ll be doing it again this time.Not because he is black man, but because he is a black swan.Ed Lane
In answer to the Day 1 Question “When Did You First Realize You Were Black (or X)?”
I’m black?
I grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood. So I never really thought about my skin color too much.
My mother would send my brother and I to summer camp, and I would be exposed to some of the suburban kids. Because we were all friends, It never dawned on me that I was any different than any of them because of my skin color. Even had a few girlfriends and first kisses out there that weren’t black.
Went to a really good private school that was also predominantly black, so I can say my mother took good care of us.
Even though she made sure we had our education, there were a few times that I was made to feel I wasn’t black because I wore Old Navy and couldn’t afford throwback football jerseys. Or because I struggled to “bag mad bitches.”
Then came college, where I ran cross country. Moving from a school in Newark, to a small college, in the middle of Nowhere on PA. That was life changing. I first realized “they” were different, when I went to parties, and people didn’t dance, but they played some game called beer-pong. I assimilated and I became the best beer pong player I could be, but I realized it was different because my thought of a good party was people dancing. I realized I was black when they asked me to crip walk, I obliged them and taught some of them.
One instance, there was a really hot girl, where my teammates said she might be take a liking to me. took the time to teach her some moves, and tried to take it a step further, and she told me she couldn’t date me because I was black. That was somewhat of a pain in my heart. Not only because she was hot, but because she thought that way. I felt kind of empty inside, and alone at that moment. I could tell my teammates but they wouldn’t understand. That feeling definitely gave me a better appreciation of the love that I had back home. At that point all I could do is pray, work on my schoolwork, and look for a fine brown sister on my campus.
In answer to the Day 1 Question “When Did You First Realize You Were Black (or X)?”
I currently live in a suburb of Atlanta, GA.Like the majority of ATLiens, outside of work, most of my interactions are with people who are either like me or cater to my needs/culture. As my Uncle used to say, we work together but we don’t play together. My doctor is a Black man.My dentist is a Black man. My financial planner is a Black Muslim. My ophthalmologist is a Black man.My insurance agent, until recently, was a Black woman. I attend religious services weekly at one of two Masaajid (Mosques) that are predominately Black: one is primarily immigrants from the west coast of sub Saharan Africa and the other is primarily African American.The manager of my grocery store is a Black man. My martial arts instructor is Black man as are the vast majority of my fighting classmates.Of course, my barber is Black, my auto mechanic and most of my current friends.I attended two HBCUs (Howard U. and North Carolina A&T State U.) but to be fair, I also attended two majority universities as well (U. of New Mexico and Eastern New Mexico U.).From an initial reading you might get the idea that I am a bit of a racist or at least very shy or conscious of my interactions with non Black people.You would be *almost* completely wrong on both accounts.
New Mexico provided a unique microcosm to grow up in the 1970s.It was one of only two states that did not have a majority white population (Hawaii was the other state).New Mexico’s population breakdown when I lived there was approximately 1.5 million people, of which:
- 43% White or Anglo
- 42% Hispanic (though I suspect this was an under count due to counting only legal US citizens)
- 12% Native American
- 2% Black/African American
- 1% Others (mixed race/Asian Pacific Islander, etc.)
Half of the population of New Mexico lived in one city: Albuquerque. My hometown was much smaller. With no Black radio stations, few Blacks on TV and the outdoor, western, rural attitude of the people, we jokingly referred to my home as ‘the land of Cowboys and Catholics’. Then again, anything you grow up with , seems normal.
I do not wake up each morning thinking, ‘I am a Black man in American.’ I consider myself an ever evolving consciousness progressing in this human experience.
However, by the time I go to bed each night, I’m usually acutely aware of my race and all its trappings, both positive and negative.I am forced to consider my race in many of my daily interactions. It is undeniable that there are both conscious and unconscious racist elements in American/western culture and without some continuous active effort, it is easy, no, inevitable that we absorb some of these ideas and behaviors deeply into our psyche.
I clearly remember my first ‘consciously’ black moment. I discovered my ‘blackness’ at the Roswell Community Sickle Cell* Screening Day event.I was approximately 5 or 6 at the time when my mother drove me across town to the free testing clinic.As I sat next to my mother, I soon began to notice something was different than ‘normal.’ The Doctors, the nurses, the volunteers and all the people being checked had similar skin tone/racial characteristics as mine. Until that moment I had never been around so many Black people who where not either directly related to me or who attended my church.
I asked my mother, “Why are we here?”
She answered, “To let the Doctor check you out. Make sure you are not sick.”
I followed that question with, “Well, who else gets to come to this?”
My mother’s one-size-fits-all answer was, “Everyone in Roswell.”
Being a budding philosopher-engineer, I quickly deduced that everyone in Roswell was Black and therefore every non black was just visiting my hometown.The entire remainder of the day, each time I saw someone who was not Black, I would shout to my mother, “They ain’t from Roswell!” In the grocery store, in the car, on the street, no matter what the situation or conversation was, I took each opportunity to point out the ‘visitors’ to my hometown. After what I’m sure was an enormous number of interruptions and untold amount of aggravation, my mother finally inquired as to how I knew all these people are not residents of Roswell. I proceeded to give her my well thought out, perfectly logical explanation.She didn’t correct me, but the look on her face said enough to let me know I was wrong. I had not yet assigned any positive or negative relationships to race, but like most my age, I did notice it. And I continued to notice it with increasing regularity as I grew older.
This brings me to my 20 year High School reunion.This was a chance to catch up with old friends and associates that I have known for over 30 years: some since pre-kindergarten! One of my old partners was Ray who I have known since 2nd grade elementary school.He was always one of the tallest kids in our class and he happens to be Mexican. Another old friend was Mick.I have also known him since elementary school and he is White.He was a very good basketball player in our younger days. Standing around chatting at our class banquet, Mick reminded me of a time around 5th grade when we somehow decided to play ‘Whites vs. Mexicans’ basketball. This was not nearly as racist as it sounds.In truth, we only had a 30 minute morning recess and wanted to get in as many games as possible.Using race was the quickest way to divide up the teams and start playing. (I am guessing the idea of shirts vs. skins had not yet been introduced to us.) Ray and Mick were the team captains and in retrospect, it was quite humorous to watch them loudly argue over which team got Bobby and I, the only two Black males in our grade. Again, this was not nearly as racist as it sounds, as Bobby and I were good, but despite the as-yet-unknown-to-us-stereotype, not necessarily best ball players in our class.We somehow eventually decided that the teams would trade the Blacks back and forth depending upon what day it was. Humorously, there was also one Mexican classmate who was always lobbying to play on the White team; not because he was a sell out, but because he wanted to play forward and the Mexicans already had a good forward. (Doesn’t this whole thing sound a little like American race politics?)
We happily played this way for a few days until one of our teachers, Mrs. Dinkins, noticed that we were a little too efficient getting on the court during morning recess. She stopped the game as inquired what exactly we were doing.Like a cheer-leading squad, in unison we announced, “Mexicans vs. Whites Basketball! Blacks are optional™ We didn’t try to hide it and felt no shame in our announcement. After a puzzled double take, Mrs. Dinkins left and we resumed our game.Moments later, Mrs. Dinkins returned with our principal, Mr. Ceasley. He inquired as to what we were doing. Matter-of-factually, we again proclaimed, “Mexicans vs. Whites Basketball! Blacks are optional ™ He immediately informed us that we could not play this game any longer. “Everybody line up! You will choose teams if you want to continue playing! Mick! Ray! Come over here and choose teams!” stated Mr. Ceasley. Ray chose all the Mexicans. Mick chose all the Whites. Blacks were optional. And we continued to play as a defeated Mr. Ceasley, looked on.
It wasn’t racism, it was just recognition.We all sat and played together in school and outside of school.Both Ray and Mick spent time at my house, as I did at theirs.Though we didn’t remain as close throughout High school, we did frequently came in contact with and follow each others exploits as we grew up. Both Mick and Ray amazed me with their recollections of good old Roswell High School at the reunion. I would still consider both of them solid, men of integrity and important influences on my preteen life.Ray even invited me to his home to meet his kids and reminisce Ultimately, it is interesting to take notice of how different the paths our lives have taken. And I wonder how much of that is affected by race and racism.
I do not think we were racist then and I did not get any indication that any of us are now, but I wonder about the subconscious effects of TV, radio and just culture in general.How did I wind up in such in overwhelmingly different environment than that in which I was raised? Ray wound up back in Roswell with his wife and kids, after spending significant time in Texas. He has done well for himself in the medical field. Mick lives in Arizona and is the consummate bachelor. He seems to have also done well for himself in the telecom industry.And me? Well, I chose the deep South to be my home.
Ultimately, where and how I live was and is a conscious choice, but not a racist one.I enjoy my culture but can appreciate the culture of others. I tend to shop in my neighborhood which is mostly Black. Most of my professional associates come from referrals from other Blacks and are usually Black as well. It makes good sense to support those who support you. Finally, I guess I do use the fact that we are from the same racial background as a buffer against racism. Fortunately, Atlanta is relatively cosmopolitan so I can reach out to other cultures when I so feel like it. Being Muslim and generally nosey, this does happen pretty regularly. But like everything else, this lifestyle has it pluses and minuses.Sometimes, I just miss the ‘Cowboys and Catholics.’
In answer to the Day 1 Question “When Did You First Realize You Were Black (or X)?”
I was in kindergarten and we were preparing to celebrate President’s day by drawing pictures of our favorite president. As I scribbled contently another child asked for the brown crayon. When he saw that I had colored the face of my favorite president brown he asked what I was doing. I replied “I’m coloring my favorite president Thomas Jefferson.” The kid looking perplexed asked why is he brown to which I said Thomas Jefferson sounds black to me (no doubt growing up watching the Jefferson’s led to this assumption) and then he answered, “We’ve never had a black president and we never will.” Until that moment I had no understanding that being black meant you couldn’t be certain things. My mom, who at times didn’t want to be black, clung to her Panamanian roots and was not able to prepare her children for being black in America. As she assimilated into the black American culture we watched her learn to accept her new identity as we learned what it meant to be black.
In answer to the Day 1 Question “When Did You First Realize You Were Black (or X)?”
I was informed about my Blackness when I was very young, perhaps three or four years of age, by my father and an Italian girl named Mary Ann who lived on our block. The year was 1964 if I remember correctly. Her family moved out of the neighborhood soon after we moved into our home.
In answer to the Day 2 Question “How ____ Are You?”
You’re Not Black You’re Jamaican
It took years of building my identity and character (including the multiple flaws) to come to the realization of “I am what I am”…despite who is looking at me. I’m Jamaican, I’m Black, I’m a Woman…and the gay thing (I’m not quite ready to discuss).
I’ve always had a privileged sense of self. I purposely never over fed any of the aforementioned descriptions of my self…including being Black. Growing up in between The Bronx, NY and Montego Bay, Jamaica; having a balance was key. Then it came time for college. I mulled around for about a year in Jamaica and a couple of other islands after completing high school. I applied to one college and got in (Howard U). Talk about culture shock…naw, I loved it and embraced it. Even though my (Jamaican) grandparents thought and told everyone I was at Harvard U for about two years. When they realized where I was in fact matriculating they asked, “why would you purposely choose an environment that doesn’t represent the way the world really is (the lack of white folks). It was my first time experiencing where being Black came before my other self descriptors. It was a bit of a culture shock learning that it was the misdeeds of the white man that gave birth to the missteps of The Black man. Please don’t think of me as too naive or sheltered. After all, I attended public school in New York at sat through yearly, February screenings of The Eyes on The Prize Series from the 5th to the 7th grade. I was informed…just not angry enough. It was my freshman year in my Black Diaspora Class at Howard University. I vividly recall HIM, this other freshman student from Norfolk, Virginia publicly challenging my identity in front of faculty and student body. My view (on the particular subject matter…that I don’t quite recall) was being refuted, marginalized and down right dismissed…all because…wait for it…here it comes… “You’re not Black, you’re Jamaican. What? Just because we don’t agree on every issue pertaining to The Black Plight, doesn’t mean we are any less connected by race. It was in that very moment that I realized that I am Black and more. I am also Jamaican and a woman. My layers of identity and experiences make me who I am. Here I am umpteen years later can’t recall HIS name…but I so remember the feelings he evoked in me that day… as if to say being Jamaican meant that I was less Black. How dare HE? It’s 2012 and today I find myself dealing with another identity issue…my Jamaican grandmother is insisting that we are not African. Here we go again!
In answer to the Day 1 Question “When Did You First Realize You Were Black (or X)?”
One day I was told I was black…..
I am bi-racial. Black, white, german, Wisconsinite, woman, whatever. My momma’s white, my sister’s white, my brother is black, my other brother is also bi-racial. When I was very young, I never paid attention to the fact that I was black. It was never a subject in my house. I just knew I didn’t like the show “Roots” because of the black slaves. In my head I kinda looked like my blond, blue-eyed, very German mother, just with a tan and black curly hair or something. Or maybe I thought she was black too. If I was black and she was my mom, then she was black too, right? Transative properties. The concept of skin color never meant anything to me, in my rainbow of a family. None of us really looked the same, none of us had matching skin color, we were just peoople, a family. We weren’t black, we weren’t white, we just were. Then, I hit middle school. And suddenly the white kids were telling me I was too black. But the black kids were saying I was too white. Which I mean, I am all of those things, so as a 12 year old you can see the confusion. And I just didn’t understand why it mattered. Why they felt the need to classify me. And it hurt, because I had always considered myself to be black, but didn’t realize that I was doing it wrong. And so I tried to be black, until I realized, wait… What exactly is “being black?” How about I just be myself and see what happens? I can “be black” or “white” or purple, or I can just be Sabrina. So now yes, although I am bi-racial I consider myself to be black. And I know that I am black and I know that it means something. I am PROUD of my blackness, my heritage and the struggles we have faced. But…. I am always going to think of my mom as black too.